Wanted: A Loneliness Expert

Wanted: A Loneliness Expert

By Doron Gil, Ph.D.

What would you do if you would see an advertisement – “Wanted: A Loneliness Expert” – would you apply? If yes, it means that you consider yourself an expert on loneliness, which means, that you feel you have been without a relationship for such a long time that you consider yourself an “expert”.

Now, the question is: if you have you been without a relationship for such a long time, and not by free choice, why is it so? What makes it impossible for you to find a partner with whom to develop an intimacy – taking into consideration that you have dated others and have attempted to extend a date into a meaningful relationship and maybe even have had a few relationships in the past.

So what’s going on now with you? Why are you alone? What stands in your way from finding a suitable partner and having a relationship?

It is very likely that you say to yourself “it is only because I didn’t have the luck of finding the right person”. And this might be true. Or you might also say to yourself “I just don’t have the opportunities to meet others”, which also might be true. But then the question is whether you initiate such opportunities and make the effort to meet others. It is very possible that you might have tried in the past and gotten more and more disillusioned and frustrated until deciding that you better not even try any more. Just to be frustrated time and again – who needs it! Not trying might prevent you from so many disappointments!

Yet, you don’t really wish to be named “a loneliness expert”, do you? Indeed, with some humor you might so define yourself from time to time but, you still hope, deep down inside, that the day will come and you will, eventually, have a relationship. “It is never too late”, you tell yourself (or is it?).

Although you don’t want to be called “a loneliness expert” you might feel like one, having adapted all mannerisms of a lonely person and having accustomed to be alone, to doing most things on your own.

But where there is a wish there is a way. And if you wholeheartedly wish to have a relationship you need to have the motivation to seek it. It might not be easy, since you might have run out of motivation a long time ago. But persistence is of the essence! And being devoted to your goal (knowing all along that you might be going through some disappointing experiences once again) you might eventually arrive at the shores of a beautiful intimacy.

Deciding to be persistent and dedicated to achieving your goal you might begin the process of looking, initiating, going out, meeting others, becoming involved with a reading group or a film group or a sculpturing group or with whatever group you might get involved with in order to get out of the house, meet others and get to know others.

As you begin this process it might be helpful for you to also take the time to look inwards and examine yourself:

* Is there anything in you which might have driven you away from the arena of relationship and into becoming “a loneliness expert”?

* Is there anything in you which might have driven you, in the past, to go out with others who were not a good match for you (and therefore you now hesitate to try the dating scene once again)?

* Is there anything in you which you cause you to self-sabotage yourself (such as: you are too needy; you have unrealistic expectations about partners and relationships, which made others feel suffocated by your constant neediness)?

* Is there anything in you which projects too much shyness, closeness, insecurity or submissiveness (causing others to shy away from you)?

* Is there anything in you which drives others to disrespect, abuse and eventually neglect you?

* Is there anything in you which comes across as too aggressive, too demanding and too controlling (which might have caused others to run away from you)?

* All in all, is there anything in you which might have stood in your way from having a relationship for such a long time now?

The option of being “a loneliness expert” is always there for you. But before you decide to adapt such an “expertise” you can choose another option: to look inwards, find out things about yourself you might not have known (or did not dare to know) until now, make the necessary changes which will enable you, with your renewed motivation, persistence and dedication, to “go out there” and eventually find a partner with whom to develop a successful relationship.

Wouldn’t you give it a try?

Doron Gil, Ph.D., a Self-Awareness and Relationships Expert, is a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant. He has lectured widely on these and related topics at conferences world-wide, taught classes to students, gave workshops to parents and administrators and is the author of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over again and Learning How to Stop it!”. Available as e-book and paperback: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

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Noche de luna llena - Full moon night
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